I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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