first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
