My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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