If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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