I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
