that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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