My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
