you guys were way drunker than both of me
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
