$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
