I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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