We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
