I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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