I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
