dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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