Who wears a wallet chain?!
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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