I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
