Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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