Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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