shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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