We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
