you would pick up someone in the library
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I wish there were birth control emojis
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
