sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
