That's intense
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
