At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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