some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
