Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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