You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
