I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
