you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You were trust falling into bushes
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
