I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
