Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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