If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
3 2 1 whiskey
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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