I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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