im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
