I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
