Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
