Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Randomize
