I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
