The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
