Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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