Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
