The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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