i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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