Pregnant stripper...not hot.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
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Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
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It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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