Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
