I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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