If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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