I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
