I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
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I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
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Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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