yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
