Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
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I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
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Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
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