Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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